I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
