im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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