Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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