I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
