i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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