I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
