Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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