God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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