He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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