I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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