so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
