I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
