His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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