Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
