Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
