i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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