I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
