guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
