how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize