I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
