why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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