WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
