He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
