Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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