five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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