how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize