the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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