dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
home. puking in laundry basket.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
