apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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