Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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