If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
