i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
