It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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