So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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