well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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