I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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