we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize