I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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