In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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