when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
