I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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