at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
