Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
