Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
