First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
