U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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