I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
