he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
