I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Come on in and take your pants off
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
