It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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