I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
