if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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