Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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