i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Never joke about your clitoris.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
