What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
