i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize